"Dear Jesus, I don't know what I'm doing" - Ese Walter writes to God

Following the controversy that ensued on social media after Ese Walter’s confession on her alleged affair with Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo of COZA church, she has since deleted both her Facebook and Twitter accounts.

Pastor Fatoyinbo who was accused of being involved in the alleged affair has since kept mum and the church as a religious organisation is yet to respond to the scandal but prior to this expose Ms. Walter had penned a letter addressed to God which gives a glimpse into her state of mind before deciding to go all out with her allegations.

Read the letter...

Dear Jesus,

I think I have erred this long because instead of getting to know you, I chose to pretend I already knew you.

Perhaps it was because everyone acted the same and I didn’t want to feel left out. Maybe I had heard about you too long to say I didn’t know you.

The truth however is, I really didn’t know you. It was impossible to fathom your love or why you would give it to a stubborn like me. Everywhere I went to find comfort and a way to relate to you, I was deceived.

The people, the church, the pastors, the messengers of peace…. All were out for their own selfish gains. After trying to understand what it meant to hear someone say “Jesus saved me,’ I finally gave up.

After moving from gatherings to gatherings I started to realize most of the words that proceeded from the mouth of the saints were mere words with no meaning. It was a damn religious circle and I was done with it.

Then there were the ‘mantles’ in form of handkerchiefs, anointing oils, gimmicks, dead works, pride in men who claimed to work for you and are generally referred to as ‘men of God.’ Reverence that bothered on fear for human beings, blind following of the pew, sexual immorality amongst pastors and their members, greed, politics in the affairs of the church and the list goes on and on.

I really was sick of it all Lord. So, I gave up. I didn’t mean to quit but something in me had seen enough and I didn’t want to be a part of the whole charade. In an attempt to keep my sanity, I ran. Further and further from your people and also from You.

I ran right back to the mud you brought me from. I ran back to the familiar. I ran back to a system that was real and thriving and even though it didn’t fill the void I felt on the inside of me, it numbed the pain.

It was good to be with people who didn’t pretend to believe what they didn’t understand. It felt safe to know that I wasn’t ever going to need to say “Jesus saved me” without fully understanding what that meant. I found peace with people who were real enough to say, ‘I want to live my life as I please and not have to account for nothing.’

It was easier to stay home on Sunday mornings than gather with a set of people who couldn’t understand why I didn’t fit in or who looked down their noses at me when I wore something they considered ‘unholy’ to the ‘house of God. ‘In all, it was great I was pushed out. It was great I stayed away from all the drama, stories, lies, greed, judgment and what not that pervaded ‘your house.’ Above it all, it was great I started to feel empty again.

This emptiness drove me to a deeper search for meaning. It drove me to me. It drove me to search the scriptures for myself, perhaps for the first time. And most excitedly, it drove me to You.

As I grow in knowing you Jesus, I realize that more and more of my authentic self begins to emerge. I realize that it’s not so hard forgiving those who have hurt me. I realize that I don’t have to be like everyone else or judge people. All I need to do is accept your love, your gift of salvation and rest in it.

I have no intention of ‘spiricoco-ing’ up neither do I point fingers at the way people choose to live but I have made up my own mind to embrace the light you bring and by my living, show others just how simple it is. Because of my experiences and the way I keep surviving, I am gentler with others and myself. I don’t fully understand my process yet, but I am learning to see me the way your word says you see me. I am attracting into my space, people, circumstances and events that are putting me right on the path I want to travel.

Today I say thank you. Thank you for staying with me like you said you would. Thank you for your Spirit that leads and guides me into all truth and continues to lead me even when I insist on holding on to a lie. Thank you for not allowing me die before my time. Thank you for the hope and assurance in my heart. Thank you for helping me develop a stronger sense of purpose.

Thank you for the tender heart I have. Thank you for my LA187 family, they have helped me in more ways than they could ever imagine. Thank you for my biological family who aren’t perfect but are just right for me. Thank you for peace, joy, love, understanding and the ability to empathize. Thank you for health, for soundness of mind and complete functioning body parts.

Thank you for your blood that speaks better things than the blood of bulls or goats (my mind is still trying to comprehend what all that slaughtering was about back then though) lol. I am coming back to the heart of worship Jesus and it’s always been about you.

As I continue on my path, please continue to keep me. For the most part, I don’t know what I am doing but I intend to stay true to the ‘knowing’ in my heart.

At the end of my time here, let me say “I fought the good fight, I finished the course, I kept the faith.

Yours in service,

Ese Walter.

- YNaija

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